It was the second day of Raya.

I went to his house. I didn’t know what had gotten into me but I was very bold that day. I thought of giving him a surprise visit. You know, being corny and stuff. Typical acad.

However, couple of friends wanted to tag along so I wasn’t all really by myself that day. The thought of seeing him made me hyperventilated. Sometimes I felt so suffocated I couldn’t breathe. But them guys were happy, bantering around and pulling everyone’s legs. I wasn’t. As usual, I put on a fake smile.

He was there, waiting at the door when we arrived. My heart went berserk, impulse beating like crazy. I could’ve sworn my chest would explode. So I stayed a little bit longer in the car, my feet would not want to move. I was sweating like a pig.

Then, I heard the car door being opened. The squeaking sound of the door was dreadful I literally jumped out of my skin. There he was, the face I thought I had lost, emerged through the scorching heat of the sun. His eyes caught mine and I could feel the awkwardness looming between us. He smiled. My heart skipped a beat.

Weyh, masuk laaaaa.

He took my hand and pulled me out of the car. I was dumbfounded, flabbergasted and thunderstruck. My heart had stopped beating. He cuddled me, I didn’t know how to react so I just let him continue cuddling me. I always like being cuddled, I felt so safe. Eyes started to be glooming with tears but I halted myself.

Jom masuk ah, panas la. I said.

It was very vivid while everyone was chattering, our eyes locked each other again. And whenever that happened, he would draw that impish smirk on his face. That somehow was very devastating to see. He always looked very happy.

I got up making my way to the toilet. As I passed through rooms by rooms, the toilet was at the end of the corner, my eyes caught a room that looked so familiar and dear to me. It was his room, I could tell. Even if my eyes were sealed closed, I could tell that was his room. So I went in and it felt surreal, so safe and homely. I used to hang out in the room. Used to. Sigh.

I was about to exit when I noticed something on his desk. Something so treasured, I thought. So I rummaged through the scruffiness on the table to get a better view. There it was a round silver picture frame, with dust all over it. I could see two souls, one was bubbly and the other one was looking so nerdy. The bubbly soul’s hand was put on the nerdy looking one’s shoulder. They seemed so happy. I could see their eyes glittered with glee.

The nerdy looking soul was me. The bubbly one was him.  At the top of the frame, carved a writing spelled ‘MY BESTFRIEND’. Lump started to build in my throat. I flipped the frame backside and that was when I could feel tears streaming down my cheeks. There was some writings too. It was very nostalgic, the phrases.

My sulky wabbit.

Right there and then, somebody was cuddling me from behind. It was him. I was sobbing, weeping like a child. It was excruciating, while people were laughing outside the room, I was crying. He was so stiffed. He always had been stiffed. But he held me tighter as if he could feel the pain I’ve been suppressing within me.

Ko taw ko akan always be my sulky wabbit kan.

I miss us.

I know, aku ponk. Tapi nak buat camne, life goes on. Aku maybe tataw apa yang ko ngah rase sekarang nie, but trust me, you’ll always have me by your side. tak kesah la whatever happened between us.

I’m sorry. I really am. Aku ego masa tu.

Kite dua ego time tu fiq, aku ego gak. Im sorry too. Dah dah, jgn nangis, mama dengar nnti kt luar. Malu dowh.

He turned me to face him and wiped my tears, I was so ashamed. I wished I could be stronger. Fucking crybaby. He kissed my forehead, like he always did during those times. Times when people were jealous of us. Times when we were dubbed as a twin.

Ingat nie… Ko kn BFF aku. Ingat lagik x apa tuh BFF?

Yeah, boy friend forever.

Sssshhhhhh. He made that secretive gesture, smiled and went out.

I slept in his room that night and reminisced the jovial times we had together.  I was embraced by his love. We talked about almost everything. Like we used too, the night where we climbed on the roof top of the garage and gazed at stars. The next day, he boarded the plane to Russia. Another three years before we could finally meet each other again.

By the time I was able to say hello, he’s bidding goodbye.

Why oh why do you have to leave me again, after three years of being hiatus. That dreadful mistake Ive done, it was plain stupid.

p.s. This is not a gay love story. It’s just two best friends who love each other.